It struck me as I was reading those reports that what is
lacking in this conversation is a broader concern for Christian relationality. Sexuality is a small facet of overall human
relationality. As a single person who
hasn’t really had any/many boyfriends to speak of much less been married, as
one who is attracted to men, and who is 37, I think that casting any discussion
about sexuality in larger terms of Christian relationality would be
valuable. Baptists Today reserves one
page (my favorite page) for various quotations about hot topics. One of them this month goes like this:
“I got to weddings and hear how the two people getting married
were ‘incomplete and now they are whole.’ My heart breaks for those who are
single sitting in the crowd who just heard publicly that they are not whole
persons.” Jeanie McGowan
(ethicsdaily.com)
This perception pervades Christian life, and I have heard
this in sermons about romantic relationships, in Christian dating books, and in
cultural norms regarding the reality that most folks my age are married (and
some divorced multiple times by age 37).
As a Baptist teen, I sat in countless youth group meetings
focusing on the question of “how far is too far?” As a dyed-in-the-wool BSM-er during my
undergraduate days, there were at least as many conversations and sermons about
that each year as there were in 6 years of youth group. As a university minister, I have to confess
that I failed to see Christian sexuality as part of the larger issue of
Christian relationality. We encouraged
students to be “in the world, but not of the world” by equipping them
(sometimes quite poorly) to fend off their partner’s friskiness.
One minister I worked with commented that he had dealt with
numerous students whom he said could quote verse after verse about avoiding
sexual immorality while enjoying sex with their partner. We also taught students to share their faith and
to be friends with people whose ideas were just like theirs. There was never a discussion about how to
respect differences, how to dialog about the deep divides between people, or
how to be consistent in difficult relationships. There were glib statements about loving
people, helping the world, and being a good Christian.
This approach, both to sexuality and relationships, was to
essentially the “moat” mentality – keep the undesirables out and go on the
defensive if threatened. No wonder
dialog in Christian life is unheard of. It’s
impossible to have a discussion through a brick wall and across a ditch of your
own filth. (Unless you and your buddies
yell from the tower, ‘Your father was a hamster, and your mother smelled of
elderberries!’ then hoist cattle over the wall at your enemies hoping they will
scream out ‘Run Away, Run Away!’ as they haul it back to the forest.)
Because of the moat mentality, I am now not surprised that when
things start to get hot and heavy, things go wrong and good Christian girls get
pregnant at 17. I am not surprised
that the divorce rate for Christian couples is no different than for
non-Christian couples. Ministers are not
actively offering guidance about Christian relationality. There is enough out there about what NOT to
do, but just like dog trainers tell us, if we don’t know what we WANT them to
do, why do we punish when they do the opposite?
Ministers need to focus on what TO DO, which includes a greater context
of holiness in Christian relationships with all people.
If sexuality was not isolated as its own issue, and if it
was included in a larger conversation about what is dysfunctional about
relationships in the Christian community, and if (I know that’s a lot of if’s)
this inclusive approach was taught and lived in all levels, ages and
denominations of Christian life, I bet my bottom dollar that things would begin
to be different and Christianity would no longer have Christians as its biggest
problem.
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