I will help you Isaiah 41:10

I'm an insufferable to-do list maker. I've got entire notebooks full of to-do lists that are crossed off. Mostly. I have tried 4-5 different to-do list and productivity apps that are no longer loaded on my phone because they did not meet my exacting to-do list standards. I have multiple formats of weekly goal-setting forms and sheets on my work computer depending on the mood I'm in that week.

To-Do lists are important for getting it done, but sometimes I get overwhelmed by them. I want to get lost in the marking off of my tasks. I can get pretty worked up if I don't get it all crossed off by the end of the day.

My mom would say at this point, "You always need a starter list for tomorrow." You see, she's got decades of experience on me with this to-do list thing. She knows a thing or two about it.

When my list gets a little too long, or I am not quite sure how the to-do's are going to get to-done in the time I have, I can also get pretty worked up.

I'm guilty of anxiously looking around instead of relying on God for the second half of this verse:

"I will strengthen you, I will help you"

I anxiously look at my list and wonder how I will get it done. How I will look if it doesn't happen. How people relying on me will fail in their work because I was late.

I need to look at God. He's a steady source of love, assurance and  help.

A joyless life is a disconnected life

"Joy is the emotional expression of the courageous yes to one's own true being." Tillich

I'm so glad I realized that I was not getting what I wanted from relationships. I'm so glad I went to therapy and connected with myself. It also connected me to God in ways I had been afraid of, I think. It meant self-acceptance, which I've never been terribly good at- which was part of the problem. If I wasn't great at something out of the box, I wasn't going to continue. This is why I still don't play tennis or golf. 

I had to accept that I would never be good enough to accept myself as good enough. And Jesus as my "good enough". I had to look at myself and really see the rough edges, not just cover them with effort upon effort or with avoidance. Freedom. Unclenching freedom. Breath. Rest. 

I cannot say there was joy in my life before that moment of acceptance. I can now, and my life is much more messy now, both figuratively and literally. I found joy when I quit trying so hard. I found myself. 

I found connection to my work, which multiplied that joy. 

Most of all, I found connection to God as my creator. And to who I am created to be.