I will help you Isaiah 41:10

I'm an insufferable to-do list maker. I've got entire notebooks full of to-do lists that are crossed off. Mostly. I have tried 4-5 different to-do list and productivity apps that are no longer loaded on my phone because they did not meet my exacting to-do list standards. I have multiple formats of weekly goal-setting forms and sheets on my work computer depending on the mood I'm in that week.

To-Do lists are important for getting it done, but sometimes I get overwhelmed by them. I want to get lost in the marking off of my tasks. I can get pretty worked up if I don't get it all crossed off by the end of the day.

My mom would say at this point, "You always need a starter list for tomorrow." You see, she's got decades of experience on me with this to-do list thing. She knows a thing or two about it.

When my list gets a little too long, or I am not quite sure how the to-do's are going to get to-done in the time I have, I can also get pretty worked up.

I'm guilty of anxiously looking around instead of relying on God for the second half of this verse:

"I will strengthen you, I will help you"

I anxiously look at my list and wonder how I will get it done. How I will look if it doesn't happen. How people relying on me will fail in their work because I was late.

I need to look at God. He's a steady source of love, assurance and  help.

Motivation, Montessori, management and GenX

I respectfully disagree. This is great for the greatest generation (Drucker was in this generation or older). It kinda lets folks off the hook for their own tasks. If the manager is responsible then the worker should reap no benefit of the work, only the manager. 

As a Montessori teacher for 9 years, I still believe that people should be intrinsically motivated by the tasks they are doing. Therefore, their work is their responsibility as is how they feel about it. 

As a GenX manager of baby boomers, one greatest generation and a millennial, with a GenX boss, I go into work assuming everyone is self motivated about their work. Their production is not my responsibility. It's theirs. I think them function and overall production is a shared responsibility between me and them. I have my own production that I am responsible for. 

I struggle with production in my greatest generation employee. Maybe I should take this approach rather than keep being frustrated. After all, we are only ever a product of our times. 

A joyless life is a disconnected life

"Joy is the emotional expression of the courageous yes to one's own true being." Tillich

I'm so glad I realized that I was not getting what I wanted from relationships. I'm so glad I went to therapy and connected with myself. It also connected me to God in ways I had been afraid of, I think. It meant self-acceptance, which I've never been terribly good at- which was part of the problem. If I wasn't great at something out of the box, I wasn't going to continue. This is why I still don't play tennis or golf. 

I had to accept that I would never be good enough to accept myself as good enough. And Jesus as my "good enough". I had to look at myself and really see the rough edges, not just cover them with effort upon effort or with avoidance. Freedom. Unclenching freedom. Breath. Rest. 

I cannot say there was joy in my life before that moment of acceptance. I can now, and my life is much more messy now, both figuratively and literally. I found joy when I quit trying so hard. I found myself. 

I found connection to my work, which multiplied that joy. 

Most of all, I found connection to God as my creator. And to who I am created to be. 

On This Day

Latvia celebrates their Independence from Russia today.  Morocco commemorates their break from Spain's rule today.  

Olympian Allyson Felix, racing great Denny Hamlin, and actor Delroy Lindo all came into our world on this day.  Mickey and Minnie Mouse first strutted their stuff in animated form on this day.  George Jetson went on his maiden putter across the airwaves on this date.  

William Tell shot an apple off of his poor son's head on this day in 1307.  The basilicas of both Peter and Paul were dedicated on this day in history.  (Did they rob one to pay the other?)

In 1978, cult leader Jim Jones directed more than 900 people to commit mass suicide on this day.  In 1999, the Texas A&M Bonfire tragedy claimed 12 lives on the campus of my alma mater.  

On this day in 1974, I was born.  

In the past few years, my birthday has brought mixed feelings.  It's a combination of getting older, thinking through my opportunity costs, and thinking about what I have in my life that brings me joy.  

I used to get hung up on the losses - I haven't married or had kids.  I'm getting to the age that both of those things might never happen to me.  I used to get my feelings hurt about that.  

Today, I'm making a different choice.  Today, I'm looking at what good I've accomplished in my life.  I earned my Ph.D. this past year.  I have a wonderful job that stresses me out, and I love that about it!  I have a new car.  I have a safe, somewhat cozy place to call home. I've got a little money in the bank. 

I'm the favorite aunt of all of my nieces and nephews.  My parents love me and support me no matter what crazy schemes I come up with.  I can bake you up whatever suits your fancy, and it'll be the best you've ever had.  

Which reminds me that I have not made myself a birthday cake yet...hmmm...I better get right on that!

Sure, terrible things happen on days that should be about celebrating the good in life. But for me, today, and hopefully all future days - I choose to start from a place of positive.  I choose to see life as a series of gifts, not a series of should'ves or too bad I didn'ts.  

My Dad has this thing he says when he wants to avoid seeming covetous:  "I wish I had that one and that guy had a better one!"  Today, I'm that guy - I choose to see myself as the one with the good stuff.  

On This Day, I choose to see myself as 38 years of happy success.  No one will build a basilica in my name, shoot an apple off my head (a resolution I just recently made), or put me on any list of famous people in history that were born on this day.  

On This Day, what I have today makes me happy.   

Public Displays of...What?

We settled in after a rousing round of "How Great Thou Art" for a Missions presentation from a father-daughter team who had just returned from a short-term project along the Texas-Mexico border. They spoke compellingly about the needs of the people and how they worked tirelessly for five days to address those needs.  Cute pictures of laughing children and women frying up delectable dinners over open flames outside shanty houses followed.  

Seeing these presentations in church typically makes us Baptist folks feel like we're making a difference in the world, even though we neither gave to that mission nor went on that mission ourselves.  

Just as I thought it was over and "Amazing Grace" would close the service, the lights dimmed further, and a video came on.  I was intrigued, and then...

The pastor of that small shanty community was shouting in Spanish so that all of the people standing around could hear.  He translated about every third sentence into English for the Texan folks to understand.  He was essentially outlining this man's sins for everyone to hear. It was like a third party confessional - as if someone had hacked his Facebook account and was broadcasting all of the dirt from his personal profile for all bystanders to raise their eyebrows to. He described in detail how badly he had treated his family and what kind of a lazy employee he was.  After a few minutes of this, I was glad the pastor's spoken Spanish was faster than my ability to understand his Spanish.

After quite a lengthy littany, the pastor baptized the man in "el nombre del Padre, el Hijo y el Espiritu Santo."  And promptly burst into applause and song along with the rest of the crowd.  

Sins forgiven.  Facebook profile full of sins washed away.  A fresh new start...?

I did not know this man.  The returning short term missionaries had not met that man during their week away.  But the pastor sure knew this man, and now so does everyone within earshot of that baptism.  

I get it that a faith commitment is public.  I get that cultures are different in how they express faith.  I get it that pastors are different in how they perform the rites of the Christian faith.  

But WOW - to go from an anonymous nobody to "everyone knows every sin I've ever committed" is a big leap - not just of faith.  It's like some perverse Scarlet Letter.  Everyone knows that big A is supposed to be there, but the Baptism somehow magically cancelled all that out.  Too bad baptism can't cancel out the memories of all those folks standing there and watching the video in that church.  

I think of all of the fallen businessmen, child stars and other famous folks in the news who have fallen from grace in a very public way.  I really have no need to know about who is sleeping with whom.  I don't care whether they live in LA, NY or if they're my next door neighbor.  I have no need to have a businessman's wrongs outlined week after week on NBC Nightly News.  I just want to know that justice or karma has kicked them in the backside.  

 

The concept of private self dissolves when a wrong becomes public.  A private wrong echoes through media as well as tight knit communities, and it never goes away.  

I've made some mistakes in my day.  I've spoken publicly about many of them.  I've kept a great deal more to myself.  I'm glad I made my mistakes in the pre-Facebook era.  I'm glad that they only populate my bucket of regret and not a Google search of my name.  

Private events should really stay in the private realm.  Baptisms should not be an opportunity for a public reading of your private sins. Churches thousands of miles away from small Mexican shanty towns should not be subjected to a litany of someone else's sins.  Let's fight against the trend of "no knowledge is private knowledge" and have some boundaries in our lives.  And while we're at it, let's also define some boundaries about what we know and show about the private selves of others. 

Keeping Egosystems in Balance

I both love and hate watching shows like "Four Weddings" and "Say Yes to the Dress."  I love them because you see people at one of the happiest moments of their lives.  My favorite one to love/cringe at is "Say Yes to the Dress: Bridesmaids."  

Say Yes to the Dress: Bridesmaids

I have been a bridesmaid enough times to know that it's a much tougher job than you initially think it will be. At first, you have all these warm feelings about supporting your friend, becoming the best sister-in-law of all time, and getting to dress up.  Over time, it begins to get taxing.  Then there comes the breaking point.  

That's where Say Yes to the Dress: Bridesmaids gets interesting.  During the show, the bride and bridesmaids and entourage pick the bridesmaids' dresses.  More often than not, the Maid of Honor throws an ego-driven fit grown out of jealousy (or grief that she's losing her best friend) and has to be reminded that weddings are about the Bride, not the whiny Maid of Honor.  

I hate conflict of all kinds, especially when Made For TV conflict gets a little too real.  I mean, TV drums up a lot of viewership when "regular" folks duke it out on TV.  I just heard on the radio that Jersey Shore was cancelled and that Honey Boo Boo beat out the Republican National Convention for viewership last night.  Not that J-Woww, Pauly-D, and the Situation are normal by any stretch, or that Honey Boo Boo and her family are either.  As a former Jersey Shore watcher, I have to confess I quit my GTL addiction because they treated each other so horribly.  I'm relieved that the show won't be seen again until the "Where are they Now" flashback episode on VH1 in 10 years. 

These shows all make their ratings from ego flare ups that in turn flare up the egos of others on the show.  Maids of Honor get offended that the Bride won't support their choice, so they get dramatic with things.  The Situation gets his feelings hurt because someone took his girl, so he gets dramatic.  And therein lies the show.  Ego versus ego.  Stay tuned: Whose ego will reign supreme this time?  

This is the first Friday at my new job.  It's been very interesting to see how folks operate here.  I've been careful to try to respect everyone's egos.  I am fascinated by the way everyone is telling me their stories - what they marginalize, what they emphasize, how they frame things.  The best part, though, is how they talk about each other.  

There is genuine respect among folks on my team.  They have worked together for years and years.  They have functioned for a year and a half without a team leader.  I have been careful this week to try to keep the Egosystem in balance - you know, how the egos function when they flare up next to someone else's.  Reality TV thrives on this, happy office relationships don't.  

Naturally, anyone new brings imbalance to the Egosystem no matter how large the organization.  The trick is to map this out and navigate the Egosystem with care and respect.  In turn, if your own ego gets a little trigger-happy, stop and recognize that it's not about you, and you are not the Bride here.  Plus, your office is not a TLC show, nor is it Big Brother.  You don't get to vote out the sour-est ego of the week.   

So today, I celebrate my first week in a happy new Egosystem.  I hope I can still say that down the road!

Assumptions Make a You-Know-What out of You-Know-Who

"THAT'S why women need to have their own income, a job, and their own security." 

A puzzled look creased my brow. I narrowed my eyes at the woman across the table from me.  She jerked her chin, directing my attention to the table to my right.  

I turned to see a trim, well dressed man eating a chicken wrap.  The woman across the table from him wore a soft cast propping up her swollen hand.  Her eye was purple and green and was swollen down onto her cheek.  She was using her good hand to fork the big salad in front of her.   They spoke animatedly. They even laughed a little at some unheard joke between them. 

It appeared to me that she had been in a car accident but my lunch mate's implication was clear: the well groomed chicken wrap eater had done that to her.  

...Shame on him for being so mean. 

...Even more Shame on her for staying with him.  

The assumption that this relationship was wrecked instead of their Camry digs at me.  I've been down the abused path before (emotional, never physical).  I spent the next 10 years unfairly projecting a parallel.  I assumed that the public/private dynamics of my relationship must be the same in other relationships, too.  I made numerous accusations to that point that only cast my victim experience in sharp relief.  It did nothing to address the faults I projected onto others' relationship dynamics.  

I think it is natural to judge others for not being like you.  It is natural to judge others though the lens you judge yourself.  I always look at other women to see how I stack up --but I never look at the things I like about myself.  I look at the things I hate.  

We are conditioned to think in certain ways by many different things.  We notice things that stand out to us.  We notice things that we don't like about ourselves.  In the process, our individuality and others' individuality are left by the wayside like so much road kill.  

It is true that all people need their own sense of security. and Shame on abusers.  It is also true that we need to take a breath, recognize our own lens, and collect more information before we mentally accuse strangers of abhorrent actions. 

The Gospels urge us not to judge.  "Judge not lest ye be judged." from my experience, this might be in the wrong order.  Before my abuser, I didn't even see abuse.  How could I have judged it?  After that experience, it was all I could see for a time.  It was all I wanted to see for a time.  I'm relieved that this burden did not blind me today.

I've listened to many a sermon on premature and uninformed judgment.  Maybe I need just one more.  Maybe we all do.