On This Day

Latvia celebrates their Independence from Russia today.  Morocco commemorates their break from Spain's rule today.  

Olympian Allyson Felix, racing great Denny Hamlin, and actor Delroy Lindo all came into our world on this day.  Mickey and Minnie Mouse first strutted their stuff in animated form on this day.  George Jetson went on his maiden putter across the airwaves on this date.  

William Tell shot an apple off of his poor son's head on this day in 1307.  The basilicas of both Peter and Paul were dedicated on this day in history.  (Did they rob one to pay the other?)

In 1978, cult leader Jim Jones directed more than 900 people to commit mass suicide on this day.  In 1999, the Texas A&M Bonfire tragedy claimed 12 lives on the campus of my alma mater.  

On this day in 1974, I was born.  

In the past few years, my birthday has brought mixed feelings.  It's a combination of getting older, thinking through my opportunity costs, and thinking about what I have in my life that brings me joy.  

I used to get hung up on the losses - I haven't married or had kids.  I'm getting to the age that both of those things might never happen to me.  I used to get my feelings hurt about that.  

Today, I'm making a different choice.  Today, I'm looking at what good I've accomplished in my life.  I earned my Ph.D. this past year.  I have a wonderful job that stresses me out, and I love that about it!  I have a new car.  I have a safe, somewhat cozy place to call home. I've got a little money in the bank. 

I'm the favorite aunt of all of my nieces and nephews.  My parents love me and support me no matter what crazy schemes I come up with.  I can bake you up whatever suits your fancy, and it'll be the best you've ever had.  

Which reminds me that I have not made myself a birthday cake yet...hmmm...I better get right on that!

Sure, terrible things happen on days that should be about celebrating the good in life. But for me, today, and hopefully all future days - I choose to start from a place of positive.  I choose to see life as a series of gifts, not a series of should'ves or too bad I didn'ts.  

My Dad has this thing he says when he wants to avoid seeming covetous:  "I wish I had that one and that guy had a better one!"  Today, I'm that guy - I choose to see myself as the one with the good stuff.  

On This Day, I choose to see myself as 38 years of happy success.  No one will build a basilica in my name, shoot an apple off my head (a resolution I just recently made), or put me on any list of famous people in history that were born on this day.  

On This Day, what I have today makes me happy.   

Public Displays of...What?

We settled in after a rousing round of "How Great Thou Art" for a Missions presentation from a father-daughter team who had just returned from a short-term project along the Texas-Mexico border. They spoke compellingly about the needs of the people and how they worked tirelessly for five days to address those needs.  Cute pictures of laughing children and women frying up delectable dinners over open flames outside shanty houses followed.  

Seeing these presentations in church typically makes us Baptist folks feel like we're making a difference in the world, even though we neither gave to that mission nor went on that mission ourselves.  

Just as I thought it was over and "Amazing Grace" would close the service, the lights dimmed further, and a video came on.  I was intrigued, and then...

The pastor of that small shanty community was shouting in Spanish so that all of the people standing around could hear.  He translated about every third sentence into English for the Texan folks to understand.  He was essentially outlining this man's sins for everyone to hear. It was like a third party confessional - as if someone had hacked his Facebook account and was broadcasting all of the dirt from his personal profile for all bystanders to raise their eyebrows to. He described in detail how badly he had treated his family and what kind of a lazy employee he was.  After a few minutes of this, I was glad the pastor's spoken Spanish was faster than my ability to understand his Spanish.

After quite a lengthy littany, the pastor baptized the man in "el nombre del Padre, el Hijo y el Espiritu Santo."  And promptly burst into applause and song along with the rest of the crowd.  

Sins forgiven.  Facebook profile full of sins washed away.  A fresh new start...?

I did not know this man.  The returning short term missionaries had not met that man during their week away.  But the pastor sure knew this man, and now so does everyone within earshot of that baptism.  

I get it that a faith commitment is public.  I get that cultures are different in how they express faith.  I get it that pastors are different in how they perform the rites of the Christian faith.  

But WOW - to go from an anonymous nobody to "everyone knows every sin I've ever committed" is a big leap - not just of faith.  It's like some perverse Scarlet Letter.  Everyone knows that big A is supposed to be there, but the Baptism somehow magically cancelled all that out.  Too bad baptism can't cancel out the memories of all those folks standing there and watching the video in that church.  

I think of all of the fallen businessmen, child stars and other famous folks in the news who have fallen from grace in a very public way.  I really have no need to know about who is sleeping with whom.  I don't care whether they live in LA, NY or if they're my next door neighbor.  I have no need to have a businessman's wrongs outlined week after week on NBC Nightly News.  I just want to know that justice or karma has kicked them in the backside.  

 

The concept of private self dissolves when a wrong becomes public.  A private wrong echoes through media as well as tight knit communities, and it never goes away.  

I've made some mistakes in my day.  I've spoken publicly about many of them.  I've kept a great deal more to myself.  I'm glad I made my mistakes in the pre-Facebook era.  I'm glad that they only populate my bucket of regret and not a Google search of my name.  

Private events should really stay in the private realm.  Baptisms should not be an opportunity for a public reading of your private sins. Churches thousands of miles away from small Mexican shanty towns should not be subjected to a litany of someone else's sins.  Let's fight against the trend of "no knowledge is private knowledge" and have some boundaries in our lives.  And while we're at it, let's also define some boundaries about what we know and show about the private selves of others. 

Keeping Egosystems in Balance

I both love and hate watching shows like "Four Weddings" and "Say Yes to the Dress."  I love them because you see people at one of the happiest moments of their lives.  My favorite one to love/cringe at is "Say Yes to the Dress: Bridesmaids."  

Say Yes to the Dress: Bridesmaids

I have been a bridesmaid enough times to know that it's a much tougher job than you initially think it will be. At first, you have all these warm feelings about supporting your friend, becoming the best sister-in-law of all time, and getting to dress up.  Over time, it begins to get taxing.  Then there comes the breaking point.  

That's where Say Yes to the Dress: Bridesmaids gets interesting.  During the show, the bride and bridesmaids and entourage pick the bridesmaids' dresses.  More often than not, the Maid of Honor throws an ego-driven fit grown out of jealousy (or grief that she's losing her best friend) and has to be reminded that weddings are about the Bride, not the whiny Maid of Honor.  

I hate conflict of all kinds, especially when Made For TV conflict gets a little too real.  I mean, TV drums up a lot of viewership when "regular" folks duke it out on TV.  I just heard on the radio that Jersey Shore was cancelled and that Honey Boo Boo beat out the Republican National Convention for viewership last night.  Not that J-Woww, Pauly-D, and the Situation are normal by any stretch, or that Honey Boo Boo and her family are either.  As a former Jersey Shore watcher, I have to confess I quit my GTL addiction because they treated each other so horribly.  I'm relieved that the show won't be seen again until the "Where are they Now" flashback episode on VH1 in 10 years. 

These shows all make their ratings from ego flare ups that in turn flare up the egos of others on the show.  Maids of Honor get offended that the Bride won't support their choice, so they get dramatic with things.  The Situation gets his feelings hurt because someone took his girl, so he gets dramatic.  And therein lies the show.  Ego versus ego.  Stay tuned: Whose ego will reign supreme this time?  

This is the first Friday at my new job.  It's been very interesting to see how folks operate here.  I've been careful to try to respect everyone's egos.  I am fascinated by the way everyone is telling me their stories - what they marginalize, what they emphasize, how they frame things.  The best part, though, is how they talk about each other.  

There is genuine respect among folks on my team.  They have worked together for years and years.  They have functioned for a year and a half without a team leader.  I have been careful this week to try to keep the Egosystem in balance - you know, how the egos function when they flare up next to someone else's.  Reality TV thrives on this, happy office relationships don't.  

Naturally, anyone new brings imbalance to the Egosystem no matter how large the organization.  The trick is to map this out and navigate the Egosystem with care and respect.  In turn, if your own ego gets a little trigger-happy, stop and recognize that it's not about you, and you are not the Bride here.  Plus, your office is not a TLC show, nor is it Big Brother.  You don't get to vote out the sour-est ego of the week.   

So today, I celebrate my first week in a happy new Egosystem.  I hope I can still say that down the road!

Assumptions Make a You-Know-What out of You-Know-Who

"THAT'S why women need to have their own income, a job, and their own security." 

A puzzled look creased my brow. I narrowed my eyes at the woman across the table from me.  She jerked her chin, directing my attention to the table to my right.  

I turned to see a trim, well dressed man eating a chicken wrap.  The woman across the table from him wore a soft cast propping up her swollen hand.  Her eye was purple and green and was swollen down onto her cheek.  She was using her good hand to fork the big salad in front of her.   They spoke animatedly. They even laughed a little at some unheard joke between them. 

It appeared to me that she had been in a car accident but my lunch mate's implication was clear: the well groomed chicken wrap eater had done that to her.  

...Shame on him for being so mean. 

...Even more Shame on her for staying with him.  

The assumption that this relationship was wrecked instead of their Camry digs at me.  I've been down the abused path before (emotional, never physical).  I spent the next 10 years unfairly projecting a parallel.  I assumed that the public/private dynamics of my relationship must be the same in other relationships, too.  I made numerous accusations to that point that only cast my victim experience in sharp relief.  It did nothing to address the faults I projected onto others' relationship dynamics.  

I think it is natural to judge others for not being like you.  It is natural to judge others though the lens you judge yourself.  I always look at other women to see how I stack up --but I never look at the things I like about myself.  I look at the things I hate.  

We are conditioned to think in certain ways by many different things.  We notice things that stand out to us.  We notice things that we don't like about ourselves.  In the process, our individuality and others' individuality are left by the wayside like so much road kill.  

It is true that all people need their own sense of security. and Shame on abusers.  It is also true that we need to take a breath, recognize our own lens, and collect more information before we mentally accuse strangers of abhorrent actions. 

The Gospels urge us not to judge.  "Judge not lest ye be judged." from my experience, this might be in the wrong order.  Before my abuser, I didn't even see abuse.  How could I have judged it?  After that experience, it was all I could see for a time.  It was all I wanted to see for a time.  I'm relieved that this burden did not blind me today.

I've listened to many a sermon on premature and uninformed judgment.  Maybe I need just one more.  Maybe we all do. 

Tweetering on the brink

I love that I'm sitting right now in a conference on the use of social media and it's fun to see others on the edge of using Twitter just like me! 

There is a lot of potential to reach people through social media. 

Death of the Four Year Degree?

College graduation rates will peak then drop precipitously in the next 20 years.  The steady rise in the number of college grads has steadily risen for decades, but the proliferation of online learning that is cheap to free will cause a demand shift for work-ready skills training.  

 Fast Company published a story this month about how online courses are challenging the way universities are doing business. 

I have been around higher ed for some time, both as a student and as a faculty developer working with curriculum design - and now as an Extension educational media and online curriculum developer.  Universities are, by nature, giant slow moving beasts.  

So - the nimble, fast paced world of private entrepreneurial visionaries have once again monetized what was once the purview of university life.  The article tells the story of two Stanford professors who quit their appointments to pursue online curriculum development. If more visionary academics evolve into entrepreneurs, universities lag and the private sector wins.  This naturally means that the consumer should also win.  

This means that the very meaning of what it means to be an educated person will shift dramatically in the next 20 years.  Paper in a frame on the wall won't mean anything.  It already doesn't mean much except that you can jump through bureacratic hoops and wear a goofy hat while walking across a stage.  Perhaps those who study college student psychological development would disagree, but the four years between high school and B.S. become less important when you have spent more time and money getting skills that may or may not get you a job.  

Being educated will come to mean that you have skills in your field and that you can learn new things and retool without blinking.  It will have nothing to do with your an alma mater. It will certainly have nothing to do with whether you completed political science, public speaking, and two lab science courses as part of your core university curriculum. 

Because barriers to acquiring work ready skills are being removed, and access to high quality education is more open, and universities are hopelessly slow to adjust - the market will shift and universities will begin to see a decline in enrollment then in graduation numbers.  Smart people will get skills from more nimble sources directed not at general knowledge but at today's work ready skills. 

The gauntlet is thrown.  Bravo, private developers! 

Now for Extension to get more market-demand oriented.  

Until Then?

If I had a movie genre that defined my life, it would be romantic comedy.  Maybe that's why I don't like to actually go see them in theaters - they hit too close to home.  You know the scene, the single girl who's in a sad state then she meets/falls for the impossible guy then through some stroke of fate he falls for her.  That's all good and great, but I am stuck at the "Then" part. And have been my whole life. 

This is where my life turns more into tragedy.  It has happened to me pretty much continuously since I discovered boys in the 5th grade.  I even prolonged one of these relationships for 2 years.  

I haven't had a proper date in 4 years.  I've been hanging out a lot in the past few months with a pretty dreamy dude.  We've got a lot in common.  Family is a huge priority, learning new stuff is cool, we both like action flicks and cold beer with wings.  Life was pretty great - but - I just recently got to "Then".  

And just like the Ro-Com leading ladies, I'm at the moment where she catches the leading man in some sort of misunderstanding or they discover that they are at cross purposes.  This usually comes before the clarification of the misunderstanding after which he declares his undying love for her.  Generally during this part of the movie, it either rains or there is a gallon of ice cream involved.  (That's how you know that moment is coming...)

Insert any Katherine Heigl movie here!

I'm all kinds of good with living in Ro-Com land up until this part.  Honestly, it's pretty fun.  But it's not what I want deep down.  I'm not even sure I want a movie-perfect ending.  Heck, I'd just settle for an ending of any kind instead of languishing on the editing room floor.  For how I've been feeling - living in my Ro-Com turned Tragedy - I'd go back a scene or two and where the tension builds and builds and you begin to feel sorry for said single girl.  

So, I'm waiting for it to rain or for the gallon of ice cream moment to hit.  Someday something like that may happen to me.  Right now with this year's dreamy dude - I doubt it.  So - I'm waiting until "Then".   Again.