"THAT'S why women need to have their own income, a job, and their own security."
A puzzled look creased my brow. I narrowed my eyes at the woman across the table from me. She jerked her chin, directing my attention to the table to my right.
I turned to see a trim, well dressed man eating a chicken wrap. The woman across the table from him wore a soft cast propping up her swollen hand. Her eye was purple and green and was swollen down onto her cheek. She was using her good hand to fork the big salad in front of her. They spoke animatedly. They even laughed a little at some unheard joke between them.
It appeared to me that she had been in a car accident but my lunch mate's implication was clear: the well groomed chicken wrap eater had done that to her.
...Shame on him for being so mean.
...Even more Shame on her for staying with him.
The assumption that this relationship was wrecked instead of their Camry digs at me. I've been down the abused path before (emotional, never physical). I spent the next 10 years unfairly projecting a parallel. I assumed that the public/private dynamics of my relationship must be the same in other relationships, too. I made numerous accusations to that point that only cast my victim experience in sharp relief. It did nothing to address the faults I projected onto others' relationship dynamics.
I think it is natural to judge others for not being like you. It is natural to judge others though the lens you judge yourself. I always look at other women to see how I stack up --but I never look at the things I like about myself. I look at the things I hate.
We are conditioned to think in certain ways by many different things. We notice things that stand out to us. We notice things that we don't like about ourselves. In the process, our individuality and others' individuality are left by the wayside like so much road kill.
It is true that all people need their own sense of security. and Shame on abusers. It is also true that we need to take a breath, recognize our own lens, and collect more information before we mentally accuse strangers of abhorrent actions.
The Gospels urge us not to judge. "Judge not lest ye be judged." from my experience, this might be in the wrong order. Before my abuser, I didn't even see abuse. How could I have judged it? After that experience, it was all I could see for a time. It was all I wanted to see for a time. I'm relieved that this burden did not blind me today.
I've listened to many a sermon on premature and uninformed judgment. Maybe I need just one more. Maybe we all do.
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